Lifestyle

My Femme Isn’t Weak. Your Inability to Accept it is.

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

My Femme Isn’t Weak. Your Inability to Accept it is.

In my teen and college years, I dated men. I know, the most vocal, confident, and proud lesbian of them all dated men. Would you believe it’s because I thought I was supposed to? Sure I knew I wasn’t entirely straight. I mean have you seen Kiera Knightley? [fans self] But I didn’t fit into any of the stereotypes I’d seen of queer women. I wasn’t the proud owner of a closet of flannels, I certainly wasn’t keeping my hair short, and I generally felt like I was too feminine to come out. I’d resigned myself to “just date men, deal with it, and that’s going to be your life. Sucks to suck.”

Talk about an awful mantra for life, right? Imagine what that did for the self my esteem as a teen.

So when I finally knew I needed to come out, when I knew dudes just weren’t ever going to be a thing, I did what every good millennial does and took to the internet. Searching things like “girly and gay”, “lipstick lesbian”, and more. Eventually, I came to What Wegan Did Next and the rest is history. Thanks to Megan and Whitney  sharing their story, I was able to come to terms with the fact that it really is a thing and okay to be both feminine and gay.

Let’s Define Some Ish

Femme does not directly equal feminine lesbian. Femme means so much more. It’s the armor we put on every day to show the world who we are without letting them in. It’s trans and gender-nonconforming folk taking your stereotypes and throwing them for a loop. It’s male-identifying folk wanting to have feminine attributes as well. It’s so much more than just long blonde hair and a bomb ass lipstick. Everyone has their own definition and identification. I consider myself to be a high soft femme – I’m super motherly and it shows in my appearance of cozy clothing. I’m not very edgy, but have  a prominent presence of glam. Everyone has their interpretation and presentation. You can read more about the difference between femme and feminine in this article from bustle.com.

The Sparkly Entrance Into the Queer Community

I’m coming out, dealing with all of that [“yes grandma, I am gay.” “but you’re not going to marry her, right?” You missed the entire point. But also lol joke’s on you.] and starting to explore the queer community. I’ve been incredibly lucky in that I’ve surrounded myself with incredibly loving and accepting queers. Femme phobia isn’t something I’ve experienced too much of. But that’s definitely the exception, not the rule. This article from Cosmo sums it up even with just the headline – “Being Queer and Femme Means Constantly Coming Out.” I need to explicitly state that this very much applies to cis queer femme women more than any other group of femmes. Femmephobia is very real and affects our community in ways that can range from simply “You know this isn’t a straight bar, right?” all the way to the very real possibility of a trans femme being killed simply because of being themself. This is real, it is scary, and it is not okay.

So Wait… Who is Weak? Why?

Society as a whole sees femininity as weak (thanks, toxic masculinity!) so simply by existing, femmes are perceived as weak. But, honey, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We have to deal with all of this crap every single day. Constantly coming out. Needing to validate our queerness in straight spaces and in queer spaces. It can trigger some insane Impostor Syndrome, which I try to speak about as much as possible because of how real it is for myself and other queer femmes.

A need to categorize something you don’t understand into a bucket you do get shows a level of discomfort of the unknown or “other” that y’all need to work on, not me. It’s not my job to do your emotional labor for you. It’s not my responsibility to educate you and go out of my way to make you comfortable.

Femmes, you’re amazing, valid, and strong. Don’t you ever let anyone try to tell you otherwise. What is your favorite thing about being femme? Let me know if the comments below!

Top, Fab’rik Wicker Park | Cap, Goorin Brothers Wicker Park | Pants, Ann Taylor LOFT | Flats, Topshop (old)

Asymmetrical Peplum Top and golden LOFT pants with a handmade Greek Fisherman's Hat. | My Femme Isn't Weak. Your Inability to Accept it Is. | Stile.Foto.Cibo

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2 Comments

  1. Rebecca

    2018-04-02 at 2:15 pm

    Leggings and dresses are SO comfy! But, to be honest, I do have to have an element of darkness to even out the “girly” a bit. I usually use skull patterns and combat boots; it makes me feel more balanced. The most fun is buying ”ruffle-ie” socks from the little girl section and letting them peek out of my combat boots. SO FUN.

  2. Kimberley

    2018-04-02 at 3:12 pm

    Interesting post. As a straight white female from a different continent, it’s fair to say this post was an eye opener. It’s a shame you feel like you constantly have to come out or fight for your definition of who you are. I hope your society becomes more accepting. If not, move to Scotland, we’re a pretty open and accepting bunch.

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